Why do we self sabotage? This week I have blown my budget on something I don’t need (luckily I can take it back). I also set my intention to eat healthily as I have lost half a stone in the last month and have a dress to fit into for a wedding on Friday. Despite that all I have done is eat rubbish this weekend. I have been like a locust. I feel like my own worst enemy.
I asked a psychologist last year and apparently it is my sub conscious inner critic that is undermining my desires due to low self worth, probably learned as a child, or it is a fear of failure. This flipping sub conscious is driving me mad. Apparently only 3% of our thoughts are conscious and so I feel like I am constantly trying to chase this monster that keeps hiding around my brain, trying to catch it to change it’s thoughts. The monster is actually my ego. It is like I am bullying myself. So I asked for advice from a psychologist friend. I was told to do the following.
Having been given this advise I felt really fed up as I do this stuff anyway (maybe not the last one enough) and I don’t feel like I have low self worth any more . I then did some research on line and understand it more now. It said that when we achieve our goals we get a Dopamine rush which makes us feel good and want to achieve those goals again. However, we also get these feel good feelings when we avoid something that seems threatening and our brain can’t discriminate between the two. Our ego is there to protect us and keep us safe and so self sabotage happens when the drive to reduce the threat is higher than the the drive to attain the reward. Due to things that have happened in my past eg. being bullied at work, stuff in childhood etc, protecting myself has previously helped me and been a way of coping, but is not helping now. Apparently triggers can be boredom, fear, things going well, and self doubt.
At last this makes sense as I feel like life is good at the moment and I am probably self sabotaging because I am scared of losing that. I also feel a bit bored when the weather is bad because having retired I don’t feel like I have a real purpose any more. The advise was to talk about your self sabotaging pattern and keep journalling as this will bring the monster to the surface so that you can consciously let it know you are OK and don’t need protection and change your behaviour. So I am talking about it here. I know there are a lot of others that are self sabotaging their budgets, even though they know that it is going to be financially hard this Winter, and so I thought writing this post might help others. It is not easy if it is an old defence mechanism. I wish I could put a lock on my purse and my mouth.