This is a blog I wrote on another forum a number of years ago about feeling different. In lots of ways I feel different to many of the people around me still today. I am lucky that my writing, and FB group, have enabled me to connect with like minded people who have also felt the same.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s I knew I was different. I questioned traditional family roles of the time. I wanted to mend the car with my Dad and not wash up with my Mum. I wanted a Chopper bike and not a Sindy house. I wanted my ambitions to be taken seriously and wasn’t interested in just getting married, or female etiquette. What did it matter if I sat with my legs open as a teenager, I had trousers on? In fact trousers was a big thing. I wasn’t allowed a pair until I was a teenager. I can remember being given some second hand when I was about 6 and I would hide them in my school satchel and change in the toilets.
Eyes would be raised when I shouted excitedly from the top of a tree, and neighbours would look sympathetically at my Mum when I showed off my football skills, feeling comfortable tackling the boys. “She’s a bit of a Tom boy”, my Mum would smile nervously. The older I got the more I was discouraged from going out. My behaviour was “shameful”.
I was different in other ways, too. I didn’t find Bernard Manning’s racist jokes funny when watching the Comedians on a Saturday night. I didn’t see the kids on the council estate as inferior, in fact to the annoyance of my mother, I loved to visit one of my best friends there, despite my Mum telling me that they were “not nice people”. My friend’s family were warm, kind, loving and accepting, and we always got Jammy Dodgers. I couldn’t understand why other people couldn’t have empathy, understanding and compassion. I couldn’t understand why I had to strive to be better than others when at the same time I wasn’t seen as equal to some. I felt lost and isolated. I was the black sheep of my family as it was described at the time by my middle class community, and I just knew I didn’t belong. I felt like I had a bell around my neck and should be shouting “unclean’ or “unworthy”. I was often punished for just being me. Parental frustrations were released with a belt, wooden spoon, or hairbrush.
I felt very alone and life felt confusing. Everything I was told was right, felt instinctively wrong. Everything I was told was wrong, felt right. I felt depressed, contemplated suicide, but that wasn’t something really recognised then. When I reached out for help from a teacher I was told I was fine as they had seen me play tennis at lunch time. My one release was sport, the sports field was my safe place. My bravery, competitiveness and resilience seen as positive traits. I think if I hadn’t have had sport I would have turned to alcohol or drugs. I felt part of the sports community. At last I belonged.
I have gone through most of my life not quite belonging, being an outsider, being a misfit. Feeling misunderstood. I was too bolshy, too competitive, a ball breaking feminist, not interested in make up, beauty or clothes. I took 5 minutes to get ready. Being assertive was aggressive. Not needing a man meant I was gay. I was constantly in conflict with authority figures because I questioned or dared to suggest better solutions. Sometimes I became angry and pushed against the boundaries that others set. At other times I made myself small, pretended to be less intelligent and kept my mouth shut in order to fit in and be accepted.
This is not a pity post. It is a shout out to all those people who feel different. You don’t have to fight and you don’t have to change. There are people out there who feel the same as you. There are people out there who will embrace you rather than reject you. There are people out there thinking and feeling the same, but are keeping silent just like you. I didn’t realise that, and wasted too many years trying to change into something I wasn’t. This meant I spent a large of my life feeling unhappy. It was only when we got to our 50s that some of those around me got the confidence to share those feelings that they had concealed for decades, too.
I realised that I just need to be my authentic self and I will attract the people I crave for. Don’t give up after a quick glance, but come out of your comfort zone and have the courage to reach out. If you get knocked back, keep trying to find another ‘square peg’ who won’t fit into the proverbial ’round hole’ of society. You will find your community. You will find your place in the world.
My message to my younger self is to realize your worth and learn how to love yourself so that others can love you, and your uniqueness. You have gifts and opinions that the world needs. Diversity is not something to be feared or ashamed of. It makes the world a more vibrant, beautiful place. Show the world who you are, set an example and make ‘different’ the new normal. Have you grown up feeling different too?
Still do! I’ve finally stopped going to social events because that’s what others expect and am happy in my own company (and three cats) growing and cooking my own food.
Absobloodylutely right! Unfortunately I was rubbish at sports so I was always last to be picked on netball/ hockey teams too which added to my inferiority. Cooking became my passion and teaching people that anyone could do it. We all have a something…we just need to find our happy.
What a great article. I never fitted in even as a child I was different. I wanted to do wood work but had to do cooking. I climed trees . Jumped over the balcony instead of using the stairs . Dressed different. Listened to different music. Had different interests. I never wanted to get married but I did with 20 and moved away from Germany. My situation at home wasn’t ideal . I’m now 59 . On my own and I’m loving my little frugal life on my own . I got my children and granddaughters and a couple of friends. I don’t need nothing else .
I was lucky as we were the first year to be allowed to do wood work for a year. I am glad that you are settled and happy with your life now. thanks for sharing
Your childhood sounds like mine in every way except that I was very lucky to have parents that encouraged my difference, bought me my own football to kick around when school refused to let a ‘girl’ play in the boys yard. Got me Batman figurines and a wooden garage and cars. Dad even gave me a little pen knife when I was 8y, to take to the woods where I climbed trees and made camps. My friends were mainly boys who accepted me as one of the lads right through to my teens, then I met my perfect boy. He liked that I was rough and ready, was natural without makeup and designer driven. We are still together now after 40 years, and celebrated this year by making it official and getting married at Gretna Green, with our two sons as witnesses. Always lived frugally together, and lucky to have everything we need.
Aww that is lovely. I am so pleased for you. Thanks for sharing
Thank you for writing this. I never felt like I’ve fitted in, especially in my own family growing up. I always felt that it was because I was weird and different and it was my fault. Its just as I’ve got into my 50s that I’ve begun to realise that I’m OK just as I am. I love reading your blog as so much of what you say resonates with me.
Aww thanks for you kind words. I wish that we had more confidence in who we are before we were 50 but at least we have realised that we are ok and it is alright to be our authentic selves.
Sounds like me in so many ways. Thank goodness I’m old enough to not care anymore
Yes that is the good thing about being older. Thanks for sharing
Brilliant article and unfortunately so true for a lot of us, I hated playing with dolls, my favourite was my bike & roller skates xx
Me too, and cut my dolls hair short and made her some trousers! Thanks for sharing
I can identify with a lot of what you have said. I always felt different, I knew I wasn’t good enough for my mother who wanted a ‘girly girl’ every day she would compare me with my cousins who wore frilly dresses and behaved lady like, being brought up on a farm I was always filthy at the end of the day. It took me many years not to care , always thought I was odd.
I was listening to the radio one morning when the presenter asked ” if you could sum up your childhood in a book title what would it be?” Easy that one, it would definitely be ‘ I wish you were more like your cousins”.
I can empathise with that. I can still remember the girl’s names at school that my Mum compared me with. Sorry that you had to feel not good enough, either. Thanks for sharing
An inspirational piece. Thank you
Aww thanks for your kind feedback
I remember my beloved mother saying despairingly ‘I’ll never make a lady out of you!’ and thinking ‘great! Who wants to be a lady?’! So yes, this is familiar territory -thank you!
Absolutely. Thanks for sharing
Love this! Always felt I have never fitted in, been different, never understood others. I have often felt lonely even in company.
Yes I can empathise with that feeling of being lonely even in a crowded room. At least you now have the companionship of the SFL tribe on FB. Thanks for sharing
Love this blog, it’s come at the exact time I needed it too.
Being “different” is something I’ve always felt, I know now if doesn’t matter, we are who we are and if we were all the same then life would indeed be boring.
I now don’t care what people think of me, I have a good life and happy with my lot, thank you for sharing xxx
Good for you. That feeling that you get of not caring as you age is brilliant. Thanks for sharing
71 and still fighting back. I am what I am not what you think I should be. Thank you for sharing❤️
I am having the “I am what I am” song at my funeral. My kids have strict instructions. Glad that you are fighting, but sorry that you have to. Thanks for sharing
Yes I understand and felt different but probably for different reasons.
My parents were older my mum over 40 when she had me. She never mixed with anyone so by the time I was 5 I had never played with another child. Then one day I was taken to school and dumped in a class of over 30 other children. Never did learn how to play with others and as a fat child was never wanted so always very lonely. Have learned to be sociable over the years but being dyslexic and bipolar I have to embrace being different so I’m good with that and enjoy my life
Gosh that must have been hard. Well done for turning it around whilst being you. Thanks for sharing
Gosh this resonates with me. Growing up in the 60s and 70s had a profound effect on me and I chose not to conform to the norm. Well said Toni.
Well done you. Thanks for commenting
I am not like everyone else I am me, and I am very lucky to have married a man 51 years ago who loves and understands me. Obey the laws and live life your way and most of all be happy. As you get older you realise other people do not really matter and if you have said the wrong thing so what they will either snub you or die. “ When I am an old woman I shall wear purple. With a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t Suite me”. 😁😂🍷👍💗
Brilliant. Great philosophy. Thanks for sharing
Oh my goodness I love hearing this . I was the youngest & everything everyone else had done I was prevented from doing my music making stuff & being in nature was my freedom often with my bro with him having LD we were so close developmentally we were like twins . Still are . We were poor & made to feel it by all round about we were the crazy family who had so many kids we couldn’t afford a bathroom
Or inside toilet . I always felt stupid we didn’t have books so really struggled to read & hated maths . I loved sports but wasn’t allowed to play cricket or football or rugby . It was only when Belbin team tool explained to me as a Plant that I am worthy I am needed & a good team needs me I know can celebrate being different & just need to learn not to be distracted & learn the importance of finishing things & not everyone can see the world as we see it . Loving your website . Thank you so much for bringing our unique family together xx
Aww, bless you. Thanks for sharing
I felt I was different and still do. I always stuck to my views and if I didn’t want to do something I couldn’t be persuaded. I wasn’t like my sister who was popular with everyone and still seems to be because I didn’t just do something because it was the in thing to do or watch on TV.
I loved being in the garden most of all as a child. I used to have a vivid imagination and I had a fairyland area behind a rockery. I was allowed to dig anywhere along the top of the garden. I made my own strawberry bed, I rescued a blackcurrant bush from a bonfire, partly burnt and saved it. I just loved gardening or just digging and found lot’s of bits of treasure.
I wasn’t allowed jeans, far too common! I had to borrow some for a school trip. I also was not allowed to wear trousers on a Sunday and I had to go to church from a Sunday School to a teenager at a Cathedral, even though I didn’t want to and somehow my sister only went to the Sunday school.
Yes my Mum thought jeans were common too. Your gardening experiences seem to have continued right through your life. Thanks for sharing
Great post Toni. I absolutely loved my chopper bike in the 70’s! My mum couldn’t wait for me to stop being a “tom boy” and wash my greasy short hair!😂
You are just making me jealous now! Thanks for sharing
Totally resonated with me, especially the ‘she’s a bit of a Tom boy’ I still got that remark from my parents in public in my late 20’s! But now I don’t worry about what others think or say about me – like you it took turning 50 to suddenly realise that this is my life and I have to be my authentic self and if that means losing people that don’t accept me for who I am then so be it. I am happier now then I ever have been before and it’s so liberating to feel the freedom of being your true self. Thank you for your blogs, posts and the community you have created on Facebook – I no longer ever feel totally alone now 💜xx
Aww I am so pleased. It is funny how a lot of us have reached 50 before we gain the confidence to be happy with who we are. I am so glad that you are happier and thanks for sharing.