Finding a simple life

For years I was trapped in a fast life.  I was juggling parent hood as a single parent, a full time responsible job, the improvement and the upkeep of my home, studying, and a tiny bit of socialising if I felt pressured into it or had time.  I was madly juggling all of these balls, desperately trying not to drop any, exhausted, and with no time to do anything that I wanted.  I had no life, basically.  I would fall asleep exhausted on the settee, or if I was lucky, I would have the energy to climb the stairs to bed.  I constantly felt depleted, emotionally and physically.  I did not even have time to think about my health, which had been deteriorating rapidly for a few years.  I didn’t even notice, to be honest.

I had taken on too much in life and found it hard to say ‘no’ to anything.  I had totally overloaded myself. At night I would dream of a simple life.  I would imagine myself on a deserted island, or living in a cabin in the woods.  That was my escape and a way to find some peace. I thought that it would always be a dream.  However, as we know, any overloaded socket burns out, and that is what happened to me.  After coping with a difficult custody court case, a new job, bullying, and other traumas, my body and mind started to close down, and I escaped to my happy place in my head.

This was actually the best thing that could have happened to me as during my recovery time I started assessing my life and what was important to me.  With out the every day pressure of running to stay on the tread mill, the mayhem and noise had actually stopped.  At first I was made to feel a failure by other people’s comments and sympathy, but soon realised that I had found the magic button to living a better life.  I just wish that I had not had to be ill to find it.  I was determined to keep that peace and find myself a simple life.

I realised that I would never be able to have that log cabin, but that I could incorporate some habits that would make my life feel more simple.  I could grow my own food, I could live more naturally by making food from scratch, cleaning materials and cosmetics from natural ingredients, and could forage and have a woodburning stove.  Although those tie in with the cabin image, there were more important changes that I made to simplify my life.

The first thing that I did was to a mind dump on to a piece of paper and decide what my values were and what meant the most to me.  Time, family, nature, and gardening  were the top of the list.  Once I had decided the things that I wanted and needed in my life, the next stage was eliminating and slowly getting rid of everything else.  Material things were no where on my list (except keeping my home) and yet for years I had tried to get all the trappings that were expected of some one in my kind of job (the clothes, the cars, the holidays). I had been doing all these things to impress people that didn’t really give a damn about me (they disappeared when I was ill), and to be accepted and seem successful.

Now that I was seen as a failure for burning out, that pressure had gone, and I was free to be who ever I wanted to be. I could make some kind of successful life that was meaningful to me, though probably not to many.  This freedom meant I did not care what people thought of me any more, and was able to be my authentic self.  I stopped comparing myself to other people.  My self esteem grew almost immediately.  I stopped reading magazines, social media, and watching TV programmes that would try to indoctrinate me about how I should look, behave and what I should aspire to.  I set my own targets.  I stopped trying to ‘fix’ myself as I realised that nothing was broken or damaged.  That might have been my weight, my looks, the mud under my finger nails, or my long white hair that people had told me that I should cut as I was too old for it now.  A more healthy life style occurred naturally as I was happier and more fulfilled.  I still fall into the trap of comfort eating sometimes when times are hard or sad, but I do something about it because I want to be healthier, and not because society tells me I should.  My worth has nothing to do with how other people see me now.  I don’t need social validation any more.  That is so liberating.

I started getting rid of all the things that were not essential in my life to make time and space for what did feel essential to me, and what was on my list.  Some things were easy to get rid of but other’s were harder than expected.  I decluttered friends that I had nothing in common with besides proximity, or were parasites rather than equal in their support and kindness.  Most of the relationships just fizzled out when I stopped making an effort, which proves my point. I also swept out family members that had criticised me and made me feel not good enough, or loved.  These were not bad people, but were just not right for me.  Now I surround myself with people with the same values or keep myself to myself. I am very choosy who I let into my life and am deliberate about my relationships, and only have them with people that add value to my life. Lastly. I started selling and giving away possessions, but found the latter harder than expected.  Having gone through a lot of times of poverty in my life I found it psychologically difficult to give up things that I thought would come in handy later, and I am still decluttering 15 years later.  Some things I was not able to give away when my Mum died and I had to empty her house.  That is ok.  I have compassion for myself and know that I am a work in progress and that I am on a journey.

One thing that really helped me to start to live a simple life was deciding to say “no”.  I would turn down social events that I didn’t really want to go to, I stopped putting myself last and doing things for other people that I didn’t have time to do, I stopped trying to solve every body else’s problems and started putting my self first.  This felt selfish at first, but the more I realised the positive impact on myself, the easier it became.  We all want to be liked but I had been a door mat for far too long.  I thought that I had been kind, but that had been taken advantage of.  Now I am kind within my boundaries. and in ways that don’t strip away my needs.

I also created space.  Some of this was done through decluttering possessions, but  more importantly I gave myself emotional space.  I would take long walks in nature with out my mobile phone, I would spend days at home in solitude to gather my thoughts and turn my phone off, and I gave myself permission to be ‘lazy’ and do nothing if I wanted to.  Previously I had not even allowed myself to watch television unless I was ironing at the same time.  Now I try to build self care into my day to be kind to myself.  I build in fun and I build in hobbies like gardening and cooking and archery that make me feel good.  This is all part of showing love for myself.

Although I set myself intentions still, I am not driven to reach goals any more and forgive myself and show myself compassion if I do not fulfil them.  There is always tomorrow and I have learned to stop rushing.  I used to always set myself strict deadlines which only caused stress.  To move myself forward I do set time lines, but they are flexible and can be changed.  It is more important that my mental health is ok, and it is only things that have to be done to keep my home or my family safe, that I prioritise if they are going to cause anxiety.  Anything else that costs me my peace is too expensive.

I have stopped using the word ‘should’. That puts pressure on myself and makes me feel guilty if I don’t do something.  Who is saying that I should?  I use the word “want”.  I have gone through so much of my life with people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.  Now that I am not dependent on a job or anyone,  I now decide what I want to do. No one can force me or manipulate me.  It is so easy to slip back into feeling that one should do things that other people expect, and so I have to continually work at this one.  My time is my own and how I fill it is up to me to decide. My time out in nature or listening to the birds in the morning is important to keep me healthy.  I am naturally a hard worker who likes to keep busy, but if I want to go away for the day, or chill out on the sofa, there is nothing that I “should” do instead. I love having this autonomy and feeling of being in control of my own life.  I am sitting here writing instead of vacuuming the stairs today because I want to.  The old me would would have done the stairs first as they ‘should’ be clean!

What are the habits that you have learned that help you to simplify your lives?