One of the unexpected things about becoming more frugal is that you may discover it costs you something you hadn’t put in the budget. Sometimes, it costs you friendships. At the very least, it changes them. When you start saying “no” to expensive meals, days out, weekends away, shopping trips, and the seemingly harmless £20 here and £30 there, you can find yourself discovering something uncomfortable. Maybe some people weren’t particularly interested in spending time with you. They were interested in spending money with you.
There is an important difference. I am not saying that a restaurant meal isn’t friendship, or that a holiday with friends isn’t worthwhile. Of course it is. Spending money together can be part of a happy social life. The revealing moment comes when the spending stops. You can’t afford it anymore, or you have other priorities that you need to spend your money on, often which they are aware of. Maybe you suggest a walk, or a picnic instead of lunch. Perhaps you invite people round for pasta rather than booking a restaurant. You might have to say, “I’d love to come, but that’s not in my budget at the moment.” A real friend might shrug and say, “No problem. What shall we do instead?” Suddenly you realise that the expensive part was never the friendship. It was simply the activity wrapped around it.
Other relationships can be more revealing. I recently asked some one to meet at a different coffee shop to the one they wanted to go to as I knew of a nice one that served free tap water. This was better for me as I could just pay for a piece of cake. They turned me down saying that it would be embarrassing. I therefore invited them to my home. An excuse was made and they said they wanted to actually go out. If someone repeatedly makes you feel embarrassed for having a budget, pressures you to spend money you don’t want to spend, or treats a cheaper suggestion as somehow beneath them, it becomes worth asking yourself what the friendship actually depends upon.
There is something liberating about discovering that you don’t have to prove your affection financially. I love not having to buy the round because I am worried someone will think I am mean. I am upfront and honest about my situation and not ashamed of having a low income. It is my choice as I chose to have time to do the things that I want to do rather than spend it earning money. I no longer have to agree to the expensive restaurant because I don’t want to be difficult. A friend should accept me for me and know that I don’t buy something because everyone else is buying it. I am happy with what I already have. I have enough. I refuse to apologise for choosing a quieter, cheaper, but in some ways, more abundant, life. I love my life and the freedom that it gives me to be myself, the authentic me.
Perhaps the greatest surprise is that frugality can make some friendships better. It has for me, especially with new friendships. When there is no restaurant bill to justify the meeting, you might sit in comfortably in someone’s kitchen for three hours talking with no fear of anyone listening in, or complaining when you are laughing. There is no pressure as no one is trying to organise an expensive weekend, but we often stroll a beautiful local walk instead. We discover free fruit to forage. When shopping isn’t the entertainment, you have to find something else to do together. Sometimes that something is simply talking.
All this can be a surprisingly good test of a friendship. When you remove the spending, the convenience and the constant stream of things to do, what is left? Hopefully, each other. If that turns out to be enough, you’ve saved more than money. When it doesn’t, you have stopped wasting your precious time and emotions. I lost a lot of friends, or people that I thought were friends, when I retired early. However, I have made new friends that have the same values as me, and I don’t need to spend money to keep them. Have you found that friendships have changed as your spending ability, or mindset, has altered?
