Society taught me that life is a competition, and that I had to strive to be the best. If I wasn’t, then I was a failure. I was constantly compared to my peers as a child, and found lacking. No one seemed to care that I was an excellent footballer, could climb trees like a monkey, had lots of friends, and was resiliant. These were not seen as qualities of a young lady. My mum, for one, was ashamed of them.
This caused my low self esteem, and probably my anxiety that haunted me all of my life until my late 40s. No matter what I did I couldn’t live up to my peers. I was the rebel (how dare I be different?), the round peg in a square hole.
This made me feel that I was not good enough, and I was always scared of letting people down. The perception that I had to be perfect stopped me trying new things that I fancied doing. What if I showed myself up and was no good at them? I wouldn’t even have my photo taken as I knew I wasn’t perfect to look at.
My childhood reiterrated that my accomplishments defined me. I didn’t often feel loved and so therefore looked for attention and approval. This led me to try to be something that I wasn’t. No matter what I achieved I still never felt successful. I got a masters degree, a top management job, represented my country, and my county in sport. Despite this I always beat myself up for any little mistakes or failure. I accomplished these things for recognition from other people, not for myself. I didn’t even bother going to my graduation as it didn’t mean anything to me. I had imposter syndrome at work. I worried about being a failure at a job that I never really wanted to do.
I guess in the end I was seen as a failure by many. Eventually the strain of this constant striving to be good enough was one of the things that led me to burn out, to have a breakdown, and stop. That was the moment I became free. Yes, a part of me was ashamed and embarrassed, but the expectations of other people had disappeared. In their eyes I couldn’t get any lower and I was a complete failure. That took the pressure off. I soon realised who my real friends were, and there were not many. It taught me a lot about people.
At last I could start from scratch and be the authentic me. It was like being a young child again, free, and climbing those trees. I stopped trying to impress people and did things for fun rather than to make an impression. I returned to my values, and a way of life that is important to me. I smiled when people didn’t approve. What did it matter? It was my life and I was happy. What a shame that I had to be ill to find that relief.
I see people in my FB group apologise for not being totally frugal, or for eating UPF, or buying a take away. None of us need to apologise for anything that we do (unless we hurt someone). It is our choice to make. I learnt that we also shouldn’t wait until the conditions are right before we try something. Guess who would be still trapped in work if I had done that? There would always be some curve ball or excuse not to give up my job. We also don’t need to apologise for being different, and not perfect in the eyes of society. We are who we are, and our only competition is ourselves. I no longer grow and improve myself to impress, but to be happier in myself. I wish I had known that I was good enough 40 years ago.
I still try to do things to the best of my ability as I have personal pride. However, I have compassion for myself if I make mistakes, and don’t beat myself up if I am rubbish at something or not perfect. I allow myself to fail, and I acknowledge, know, and own my imperfections, instead of trying to hide them. In fact I embrace being quirky and ‘different’ now. I wear it as a badge of honour. I even put photos online showing my wrinkles and rotund body.
The next time fear stops you trying something new in case you fail, think and reconsider. If you start to apologise for a meal not being perfect, or your house being untidy, please try to stop. Think about why you are apologising. People who matter accept you for who you are, and the rest don’t matter anyway. Be proud that you are your authentic self, make mistakes, and be imperfect. That makes you more approachable and real. Perfection is an illusion. Just be the best person that you can be, measured by your own standards and values. Know that you are more than good enough. ❤️
You speak such truth Toni. Very wise words and lessons for all to learn.
Thanks for your kind feedback x
Thank you for this, I was always the odd one out, I didn’t play with dolls, I didn’t like pink all of which my mother thought was odd! It’s taken me to my 60s to like who I am and I still have wobbles, but this group really helps me xx
I think we all have wobbles sometimes. At least we know now x
Thank you Toni,
Inspirational words as always – hopefully our daughters don’t have these unrealistic expectations – I’ve worked hard to allow them to be true to themselves! Changing generations of women!
Me too, but I still think society sucks them in a bit x
It’s taken so long for me to be kinder to myself and let go of other people’s expectations of me. I’m learning I’m OK just as I am. I left my job in teaching because of really bad stress and anxiety, I think I was close to a breakdown. I’ve spent the last couple of years putting myself back together. I’m having therapy now about issues from childhood thst have affected my whole life. It’s tough but worth the effort, the NHS talk therapy is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know you’re not the only one.
My being a bit different and not running with the pack has served me well even if I didn’t notice I was doing it. My mum used to nag me about my weight and through that I became scale phobic but looking back at old photos I was a heavy build but not fat by today’s comparisons.
We need to be kind to ourselves and others because we will all have hangups and kindness can help us heal.
Wise and inspirational words Toni.
Life would be so much better, if we could all accept what you describe xx
Thank you. It definitely would x
Love this so true Toni . The freedom to be myself it took me a long time to feel free & let go of the negative self talk that has held me back .
My daughter has a tattoo on her foot which says imperfection is beauty & lives daily reminding herself if this .
I remind myself if I want it enough I can do it x
Bravo👏Well said Toni
We Are Good Enough!
We definitely are 😊
Aww that is a brilliant tattoo. You have obviously taught her well x
Attitude is the key. I fall into fashion about every 30 years as it changes to what I wear ( I then mega stock up!
I frequently comment that another new thing ive learned (oppose to feeding the I don’t know how or cannot do mindset). My failed planting simply wasn’t meant to be this year. My unexpected expenditure is an opportunity to see where I can cut back to balance things again. I’m sure at times I frustrate colleagues with my positivity but I know when I’m low on it I can simply tap into sfl and get a refill. Always grateful for the wonderful people in the group and especially when Toni does something I do too!
Thanks for sharing
I loved what you said.
I encourage my grandchildren to be themselves be who they want to be. Try new things.
After my marriage with someone who controlled me. I love a home that is not perfect but lived in. Everyone is welcome take me as I am or leave me alone.
I never know who is coming through my front door but everyone is welcome take me as you find me.
My grandchildren tell me I can’t move this is their second home ahhh. Go climb trees I’ll catch you if you fall xc
You are braver than me as I ask people to text me so that I can quickly run around and clear up for 5 mins 😊. Gardening takes priority at this time of year 😊. I don’t mean the kids, though. I had a controlling partner too and so I know the relief of not having to live up to other people’s standards l. Thanks for sharing
This is so true but we just don’t realise until later in life, but it’s never too late is it, thanks Toni for all your inspiration x
Thank you Toni. This is so encouraging. x
I hope so. Thanks
No it isn’t. Thankfully we know now x
Lovely blog and you speak very wisely about things and yes it’s taken me till now in my 60’s to be ME. X
Bless you.i write things like this so that hopefully other women will learn this when they are younger
I never knew what imposter syndrome was until really recently. It has taken to the age of 60 + to love who I am. Trying to be the best we can be with all our imperfections is always good enough. Thanks for this brilliant post x
Thanks for sharing and your kind feedback
When I joined this group I felt a failure because of my anxiety I couldnt keep up, every time I read a post it was about people doing so much and that was before I even got up I kept thinking there’s something wrong with me I can’t do a 1/4 of what everyone else is doing. Then I slowly realised it was a bunch of lovely people just doing what they can though their own illnesses and ups and down, I won’t lie I do still read what everyone has been doing and wish I could be motivated to do more, but I love reading about the frugal parts and what people have been up to. Hope this makes sense. Great post again Toni 👍
Wonderful words Toni.
Thank you for speaking from the heart Toni. It resonates with me – and most likely many. 🕊️
Wise words toni iv felt I’m not good enough most of my life trying to fit in keep up but since this group I see things differently now made my life ,is one I’m more at ease with,simple steady and slow paced and focus on what gives me joy and contentment my home,garden my dogs, and small group of friends, I’m mid 50s and it’s taken me this long to realise this,all these things are far from perfect but I’m OK with it,I do what I can when I can and enjoy the process not thinking every thing has to be perfect a big mistake in my past,thanks for the post
Aww. I am so pleased that the group has helped you. The lovely people in the group have helped me feel normal 😊. Thanks for sharing x
Wow we are not perfect 👌
What does it matter? Nothing at all.
I love your blogs that makes others feel better about themselves. It gives us a chance to realise life is what we make it You improve so many peoples lives by you being in it. Thank you for sharing with us how we all feel but don’t get a chance to write about it. You are inspiration to an older generation.
Aww that is so kind of you. Thank you. You are making me blush. 😊. Yes I try to write aboutfeelings that most of us feel but have been encouraged to hide. Thanks again x
This post really resonates with me. It’s so hard to accept that we’re enough . One of the benefits of getting older is knowing what to value and just as importantly who values you just as you are .
True. It is a pity that we have to get older to realise. 😊 Thanks for commenting x
Just the most perfect blog post…. thankyou.
I have been following your wonderful blog for quite some time now and I want you to know that I perceive you as an honest, knowledgeable, warm and loving person. This comes across loud and clear, these are attributes that are worth so much more than wealth and material possessions. I would be the happiest person in the world if I had a friend as yourself in real life, I will continue to enjoy your posts however. Sending love to you Toni :)
Aww that is so lovely. Thank you. I have made a lot of friends in real life through my blog. I don’t meet many people like me in my area 😊. I am glad that you are enjoying the blog. Thank you for making me feel smile today, too xx